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We can all agree that disagreeable people are some of the hardest to work with, constantly shooting down ideas without providing anything constructive in return.These types of people can quickly put a strain on any organization if left unchecked. However, we need to be careful not to lump disagreement into the category of disagreeable. In this episode Greg and I discuss why people in disagreement are actually the exact opposite of disagreeable, and are a valuable asset to your organization.
[0:00] Introduction
[1:02] A strong quote about “no men” from Dick Brogden—“Strong leaders respect and need ‘no’ men. It is weak leaders who surround themselves with the ever agreeable. Unity requires honorable disagreement. Otherwise, you don’t have unity; you just have uniformity.”
[2:06] Disagreeing people are not necessarily troublemakers.
[2:59] What bothers me about disagreeable people?
[3:49] Opinions vs facts have to be considered to determine if someone is disagreeable vs disagreeing.
[4:36] Leaders are required to listen more to people who disagree with them.
Listen to the podcast of this post by clicking on the player below, and you can also subscribe on Apple, Spotify, or Audible.
The apostle Paul’s letters to the church in Corinth show two things: a lot of correction and a lot of love. In fact, it’s in the middle of some correction and redirection about the misuse of spiritual gifts that Paul gives us the quintessential definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13.
Paul also wrote, “For I wrote you out of great distress and anguish of heart and with many tears, not to grieve you but to let you know the depth of my love for you” (2 Corinthians 2:4).
The truth does need to be spoken to wayward sheep, but it has to be birthed in love and spoken in love or else it will alienate more than help. People don’t care to listen to my counsel or correction until they know how much I truly care for them.
There needs to be a connection before attempting the correction.
I have an entire chapter in my book When Sheep Bite on this topic. Here’s an excerpt—
It is possible that our grace-filled response to our biting sheep may make the difference to their eternal home. The apostle Paul told Timothy that those sheep who were out of line were trapped by the devil, and unless Timothy did something those sheep may never break free—
And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will. (2 Timothy 2:24-26)
For some reason many shepherd leaders have made “confrontation” a dirty word, or have sullied its usefulness by confronting in an ungodly way. One thing that will help us handle confrontation the right way is to remember why we confront: The goal of confrontation is restoration, not destruction!
There is a cliché that says, “Once bitten, twice shy.” As I mentioned earlier, after we’ve been bitten we need to allow the Holy Spirit to search our hearts to point out anything in us that may have contributed to such a painful outburst from that sheep. Perhaps after doing all of that you attempted to confront a sheep and it didn’t go so well. As a result, you are now a bit shy to confront another wayward sheep. Dick Brogden wrote:
“Experience so easily leads us to cynicism. Information too easily leads to pain. Leadership often makes us jaded because we’ve seen so much junk, all the effects of broken people breaking people. … A strong heart determines that it will stay soft, that it will absorb hurt, disappointment, and reality, and yet believe that God can redeem people and circumstances.”
Handled correctly, confrontation can lead to restoration, a deeper intimacy, and newfound maturity. Handled incorrectly, and, well, let’s just say it can get very ugly!
I imagine we have all heard stories of the fallout from confrontation in another pasture, or perhaps we know the painful consequences in our own pastures. But let’s try for a moment to put those past experiences or secondhand stories out of our minds and take a fresh look at how to handle confrontation.
Samuel was going to be sent by God to confront King Saul about the sin he had committed. Look at this passage: “Then the word of the Lord came to Samuel: ‘I am grieved that I have made Saul king, because he has turned away from Me and has not carried out My instructions.’ Samuel was troubled, and he cried out to the Lord all that night” (1 Samuel 15:10-11).
Did you catch how Samuel responded? He cried out to the Lord all that night.
Perhaps if we, as godly under-shepherds, cried before we confronted the results might be more healthy. Billy Graham noted, “Tears shed for self are tears of weakness, but tears shed for others are a sign of strength.” (from Chapter 5 ‘Cry Before You Confront’)
If you have some difficult but necessary words to speak to someone, take time to cry before you confront. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you the most loving way to handle this situation. Cry before you confront, and may your tears soften your heart to speak truthful words saturated in your love for God and your love for this wayward saint.
Please pick up a copy of When Sheep Bite to learn more biblical strategies for handling biting sheep and for healing from biting sheep. If I can be of help to you, please get in touch with me.
P.S. You may also be interested in a whole series about growing and showing our love called Loving the Unlovable.
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If you’re leading a team, then Greg and I feel pretty confident in assuming that you’ve got them all working, thinking, and behaving exactly like you work, think, and behave, right? Of course not! The differences in personality and thought within your team are what makes it special.
[0:18] Leaders like buy-in, but what about those teammates who say, “Hold on a second”?
[2:00] Unity doesn’t mean sameness.
[3:55] We all have different experiences and gifts so we all bring something different to the table.
[4:51] Unity doesn’t guarantee peacefulness in the process of getting to consensus.
[7:06] Leaders have to learn to accept the tension among teammates.
[9:47] Why do leaders avoid tension?
[13:16] I share a quote from Dick Brogden about the “no men” we need on our teams.
[14:54] Past success can make leaders deaf to the input from others.
[17:09] Greg wonders how to effectively play the devil’s advocate with our teams in order to get the best ideas on the table.
[19:03] My funny story about our producer Harrison.
[21:08] Greg changed the way he debriefed sales calls with his team, encouraging them to speak out.
[23:36] Greg uses an example of Joe Montana to show how leaders can bring confidence to their teams.
[25:30] Both opportunities and obstacles present a chance for us to teach our teammates.
[27:36] Greg and I want to help you help your team.
Check out this episode and subscribe on YouTube so you can watch all of the upcoming episodes. You can also listen to our podcast on Spotify and Apple.
Listen to the podcast of this post by clicking on the player below, and you can also subscribe on Apple, Spotify, or Audible.
After God created Adam, He said, “It’s not good for you to be alone.” That’s just as true today: God didn’t intend for us to journey on our own, but He gives us companions along the way.
Last week we saw that God has to sometimes cause us grief to get our attention when we are straying from His path. He sometimes puts people in our lives to do the same thing.
There’s a reason God puts the people in our lives that He does. We are called to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). But that sometimes means people will get upset with us (Galatians 4:16). “Real friends hurt each other. … Truth is the primary way faithful friends should wound each other—it is the help that hurts.” —Dick Brogden
The Corinthians thought they were super-spiritual, but Paul had to call them out on their foolishness (1 Corinthians 3:3; 5:1-2). Before Pauls’ letter, the Corinthians seemed happy. His letter caused them grief, but it was good grief that led to repentance and true joy (2 Corinthians 7:8-10).
To keep silent when a brother or sister is straying is not God-honoring. We are not to be the sin police, but we are to address sinful issues (James 5:19-20).
As King David flirted with the idea of how he could get something that he thought would make him happy, an anonymous attendant tried to get his attention. David ignored this and then tried to sweep it under the rug. In fact, he thought he got away with his sin (2 Samuel 11:1–12:7).
But God sent Nathan to speak a hard word to David. We don’t know when Psalm 141 was written, but we know that David did write it. Perhaps it was penned at the time of Nathan’s loving confrontation. He said, “Let a righteous man strike me—that is a kindness; let him rebuke me—that is oil on my head” (Psalm 141:5).
We do know that David wrote Psalm 51 after Nathan’s loving hard word, and in this prayer we see David’s confession, repentance, and a request for God’s joy to replace David’s grief.
So how do New Testament-era Christians use good grief to help fellow saints?
Examine yourself first (Matthew 7:1-5). Make sure you aren’t plagued by the same sin you have noticed in a brother or sister.
Cry before you confront, just as the prophet Samuel did before he had to deliver a hard word to King Saul (1 Samuel 15:10-11).
Confront in love with the goal of restoration, but make sure you are confronting someone who know you love them and who will receive your loving word(Proverbs 27:5; 9:8).
Pray that their grief will be turned to joy (Luke 22:31-32; Galatians 6:1; Psalm 51:12).
Friendships with fellow saints are precious and they are vital. We need iron to sharpen iron (Proverbs 27:17) so that we will all stand before the throne together for eternity.
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Do you know this pair of cantankerous men from the Muppets? Statler and Waldorf sit in the balcony of the theatre and criticize everything that is happening on the stage. I mean everything! They have a good laugh at their barbs, but no one on the stage seems to find it humorous.
Have you ever met people like this? How do you typically respond to their criticism?
Unfortunately, those who are trying to do the right thing are often the targets of almost constant criticism. Abraham Lincoln said, “If I were to attempt to answer all the criticisms and complaints I receive, I would have no time for any other business.”
President Lincoln was a great leader but he wasn’t without fault, so to certain extent we could expect a little bit of criticism from people who didn’t like his policies. But what about Jesus? It was prophesied about Him that He would be the target of criticism (Isaiah 53:3).
Those out to get Jesus even criticized those who attended to Him. In Mark 14:1-5, they are criticizing a woman who poured perfume on Jesus out of her sincere desire to honor Him. Yet they spoke about her and her actions “indignantly” (v. 4), and they rebuked and criticized her (v. 5). The Greek word in this verse literally means he snorting of horses!
Jesus stepped in to protect this God-fearing woman, “Why are you bothering her? Why are you criticizing this beautiful thing she had done for Me?”
Notice that Jesus responded to the critics, but the woman did not respond. Does that mean that we never answer critics? Are we supposed to ignore them?
First, let’s go back in time to the origin of the words critic and criticism. These words originally meant someone capable of giving a meaningful—perhaps even constructive or helpful—judgment. Think of a trained and skilled chef critiquing your recipe, as opposed to someone who cannot tell the difference between nutmeg and ginger.
The natural response is to ignore all criticism. The supernatural response is prayerfully evaluate criticism. Solomon says there is such a thing as valid criticism (Proverbs 25:12).
So who is a valid critic?
(1) Someone who loves me (Proverbs 27:17; Ephesians 4:15). Paul loved Peter and respected his leadership role in the church, but he still criticized Peter when he messed up (Galatians 2:9, 11).
(2) Someone who has experience or godly wisdom that we don’t yet have (Ecclesiastes 7:5). Micaiah had a word from God, even though King Ahab thought Micaiah simply didn’t like him (1 Kings 22:1-18).
(3) Someone who wants to hurt me. Really!? Dick Brogden wrote, “The Lord uses critics to show us our own hearts, even if what they say is not fully true, informed, or even fair. There is almost always a germ of truth in what our critics (in their own pain and disappointment) shout at us. The wise [person] will humble himself and look for the truth embedded in every oppositional interaction.” As we saw previously from Psalm 26:2, when we hear words of criticism, we need to make it a matter of prayer.
Jesus told the woman’s critics to “leave her alone” but He never defended Himself against the childish barbs (Isaiah 53:7; Matthew 27:13-14). I think we would do well to follow His example. So when criticized, take a deep breath, smile, hear them out, ask clarifying questions, and then say, “Thank you for sharing that with me. I’ll make this a matter of prayer.”
They might accuse you, but you should turn it over to God (Psalm 109:4).
The natural response is to respond all critics. The supernatural response is to respond like Jesus (see 1 Peter 2:21-23).
Remember that quote from Abraham Lincoln we saw earlier? Here’s the rest of his quote—
“From day to day I do the best I can and will continue to do so till the end. If in the end I come out all right, then the complaints and criticisms and what is said against me will make no difference. But, if the end brings me out wrong, then ten angels coming down from heaven to swear I was right would still make no difference.”
Ultimately, we are longing to hear Jesus say, “Well done.” If He cannot say that to us, does it really matter if everyone else praised us? But if Jesus says, “Well cone,” does it really matter the criticism others said about us?
Let’s ask the Holy Spirit to help us respond supernaturally to our critics—listen prayerfully to ever critic, but only respond to them as Jesus did.
If you have missed any of the other messages in this series When Sheep Bite Sheep, you can find them all here. And if you’re a pastor, be sure to check out my book When Sheep Bite.
Listen to the podcast of this post by clicking on the player below, and you can also subscribe on Apple, Spotify, or Audible.
We tend to be pretty self-centered creatures, filtering everything through our lens. This becomes especially true when we are going though a difficult time.
When I walked through a dark valley, I battled both physical and spiritual forces. People attacked me, but so did my own thoughts. “Why me?” and “I didn’t do anything to deserve this!” led to prayers like, “God, why didn’t You protect me from this? Why won’t you get me out of this?”
Do you hear a common theme? I didn’t while I was in the midst of the battle, but perhaps you hear it—“Why me? I didn’t do anything to deserve this! God, why didn’t You protect me from this? Why won’t You get me out of this?”
In his book Winning With People, John Maxwell shared ‘The Big Picture Principle’: “The entire population of the world, with one minor exception, is composed of others.”
On the other side of my dark valley I learned something about my time in the dark valley—I had grown:
I could help others diagnose depression
I could empathize with others
I could share helpful strategies to those who were struggling
I could intercede for them in prayer
My definition for intercede is to pray for people in a meaningful way because they are too beat up to pray for themselves.
In order to pray for them, I have to know what and how to pray. I can’t know what and how to pray unless I have firsthand experience. So perhaps my dark valley wasn’t for me, but for someone else (see Romans 8:28; 2 Corinthians 1:3-11).
I have talked and blogged so many times about the phrases “one another” and “each other” throughout Scripture. That means that Christian faith is best seen when we are with each other, supporting one another.
Jesus taught us to pray, “Our Father” (Matthew 6:9). The “our” signifies we are praying…
…with Jesus—John 14:13-14
…with other saints—Matthew 18:18-20
Even more than praying with us, Jesus intercedes for us (Hebrews 4:15-16). And Jesus gives us the Holy Spirit (John 14:26) who also intercedes for us and with us (Romans 8:26-27).
We join with our High Priest, helped by our Advocate, as we pray to our Heavenly Father on behalf of our brothers and sisters.
Listen to the interceding and expectation of a joyful answer that David writes in Psalm 20, and also notice how the saints are together—
May the LORD answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.May He send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion.May He remember all your sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings.May He give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.May we shout for joy over your victory and lift up our banners in the name of our God. May the LORD grant all your requests.Now this I know: The LORD gives victory to His anointed. He answers him from His heavenly sanctuary with the victorious power of His right hand.Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm.LORD, give victory to the king! Answer us when we call!
My cousin Dick Brogden wrote, “Jesus never intended us to suffer alone. We may not physically be able to cross oceans or deserts and sit in lonely cells with colleagues—but we are intended to traverse that distance spiritually and to bear the burdens of our brothers in prayer. Followers of Jesus under duress are empowered to bear unimaginable suffering when they know that they do not agonize alone.”
In your prayer time, I encourage you to ask the Spirit to show you lessons you have learned in your dark valleys, and then begin to intercede for your fellow brothers and sisters with the help you have already received.
Leaders are needed for tough times. “Doing difficult creates natural separation” for your leadership, says Eric Thomas. Check out this full conversation from The Craig and Greg Show.
“Busier than a businessman, more sought out than a celebrity, wanted as a mother of many toddlers, and bearing a task as big as the world, Jesus prayed.” Check out Scott Hubbard’s post Never Too Busy To Pray.
“This is certain, that a man that studieth revenge keeps his wounds green, which otherwise would heal and do well.” —Sir Francis Bacon
“Do not have your concert first, and then tune your instrument afterwards. Begin the day with the Word of God and prayer, and get first of all into harmony with Him.” —Hudson Taylor
There are almost 12,000 species of snakes and lizards, but evolutionists still do not know where they came from. Vertebrate paleontologist Michael Benton stated, “The early history of squamates [snakes, lizards] is patchy,” and the debate of snake origin “is far from resolved.” ICR offers the most straightforward solution to this supposed evolutionary dilemma: “snakes and lizards have been created with the genetic ability to undergo “remarkably varied jaw shapes” that have led to “their extraordinary ecological success” as they move in and fill various niches.”
Seth Porch, in talking about the joy of daily reading the Bible, notes, “By itself, neither habit, shame, nor duty will lead you to open God’s word daily with a heart posture of humble expectation and joy. Such an attitude toward the Bible comes only from the astonished realization that in these pages God actually speaks.” I hope you find the joy in reading God’s Word throughout this new year. I love my YouVersion reading plans that take me through the Bible. You may also like the companion book by Dick Brogden called Missionary God, Missionary Bible. And I shared some Bible studies that may interest you here and here.
Listen to the podcast of this post by clicking on the player below, and you can also subscribe on Apple, Spotify, or Audible.
Last week I shared this thought with you from Pastor Tim Keller: “Your prayer must be firmly connected to and grounded in your reading of the Word. This wedding of Bible and prayer anchors your life down in the real God. … Without immersion in God’s words, our prayers may not be merely limited and shallow but also untethered from reality.”
“Untethered from reality” means that we determine the manner in which we come to God in prayer, the way prayer works, and the way God must respond to our prayer. But what we read in the Bible is the opposite of this (Isaiah 1:11-15).
I think there are two opposite and equal erroneous thoughts about how we approach prayer:
I’m not worthy to come into the presence of an all-holy God
I can waltz right into God’s presence whenever and however I please
Both are wrong and both are strategies the devil has used to keep us prayerless. Either we don’t go to God at all or our prayers are unheard because the Bible says that our arrogance has made our prayer ineffectual.
Our Prayer Book—the Bible—helps us find the balance. George Whitefield noted, “Reading the Bible is a good preparative for prayer, as prayer is an excellent means to render reading effectual.” So here’s what we read about those two errors.
I’m not worthy. God is unapproachable in His holiness, but Jesus has made it possible for us to enter in through His righteousness (1 Timothy 6:15-16; Isaiah 6:1-5; Hebrews 4:1, 14, 16; John 16:23-24).
I can come anyway I want to. Passages like Psalm 15:1-5 and Isaiah 58:2-4 make it clear that we cannot simply approach God in a way of our choosing.
Let’s unpack that second error a little more. We have to be clothed in righteousness in order to come into God’s presence, but we cannot be clothed in a righteousness that is apart from Jesus. When we say that we are praying in the name of Jesus, it means we are praying in the nature of Jesus and through the righteousness of Jesus. We must be wearing His righteous robe (Romans 3:22-24; Isaiah 61:10).
So I think we need to pray before we pray. Let’s try these actions which are tethered to the reality of our Prayer Book.
Worship. This is a deep pondering of who God is; it is humbly assigning Him the highest worth. In face, the Old English spelling of this word (“worthship”) gives us insight into what worship does. It is this kind of humility that God responds to (Isaiah 6:5-7; 57:15; Luke 18:9-14).
Confession. As we are worshiping, we will see our inadequacies (much like Isaiah did in Isaiah 6, or the tax collector did in Luke 18). We then need to confession these shortcomings. Dick Brogden wrote, “Confessed sin opens the portals of heaven into our darkness, and light and glory overwhelm shame. Confession is our glory for it lifts our heads and eradicates shame.” We see this so vividly lived out in the prayers of David (Psalm 139:23-24; 51:1-2; 19:12-14).
Repentance. I think we could also call this Repair. After confession where we have fallen short, we resolve now to both take a different path and repair what was damaged (Matthew 5:23-24; Mark 11:25-26; 1 Peter 3:7).
Petition. After worship, confession, and repentance / repair, our heart’s attitude is now in the place for God to heed our cries for His help (1 Peter 3:12).
Let’s learn to pray before we pray. Don’t just rush in and rush out of God’s presence. Take time to worship, confession any sins the Holy Spirit reveals, make things right, and then present your petitions.
Our hearts need to be prepared to present our petitions. This is how we know that God will hear our voice.
Listen to the podcast of this post by clicking on the player below, and you can also subscribe on Apple, Spotify, or Audible.
All leaders—but especially pastoral leaders—need to work on a better response when we are bitten by a sheep in our pasture. Our natural first response is usually not going to be very helpful for us or for the biting sheep.
When a painful attack suddenly confronts me, I go to the mirror. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with them that they would bite me like this?” I go to prayer to ask, ‘“Did I do something that provoked this?’’ Sometimes I have literally gone into my bathroom, closed the door, and gotten nose-to-nose with myself to ask this question, and then listened for the Holy Spirit to speak to my heart.
My cousin Dick Brogden wrote, “Critics and skeptics are gifts to us, for in their aspersions they often bring to light a brokenness or a liability early on in its development in us. If we are secure enough to ferret out the truth through the condemnation of others, we remain healthy in the long term as our malady is exposed and dealt with before it becomes to serious.”
Remember that we are naturally self-protective, so this time of introspection will need to be supernaturally empowered by the Holy Spirit if we are going to see the true prompter of the attack. A prayer I have prayed more times than I can count is, “Search me thoroughly, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24 AMPC).
Get a copy of my book here to help you heal from the painful sheep bites, and to learn how to respond better with each new biting experience.
Listen to the podcast of this post by clicking on the player below, and you can also subscribe on Apple, Spotify, or Audible.
Karl Vaters and I share the same passionate belief that pastors—shepherd leaders—need to be in the pastures where God has placed them, faithfully caring for the sheep under their care.
Check out this clip from my interview on The Church Lobby—
In my book Shepherd Leadership, I wrote this—
Jesus said not only that He knew His sheep, but that His sheep knew Him, too. Shepherd leaders get right into the messiness of shepherding. Let’s be honest: pastures are not very neat, tidy places to hang out. But pastures are where the sheep are, so that is where the shepherds need to be. If the only time you interact with others is when you want to make an announcement or someone needs to be corrected, your sheep will begin to either resent you or fear your arrival.
The best way to know the voice of each one of the sheep in your pasture (and the best way for those sheep to know your voice as well) is to be in the pasture as often as you can. This is what Jesus did at the Good Shepherd, and His under-shepherds honor Him when we follow His example.
You can check out more clips from this Church Lobby interview here.
Check out my book Shepherd Leadership for yourself or for a pastor that you love. And also check out my latest book When Sheep Bite, which I think of as the prequel to Shepherd Leadership.
We can all agree that disagreeable people are some of the hardest to work with, constantly shooting down ideas without providing anything constructive in return. These types of people can quickly put a strain on any organization if left unchecked. However, we need to be careful not to lump disagreement into the category of disagreeable. In this episode Greg and I discuss why people in disagreement are actually the exact opposite of disagreeable, and are a valuable asset to your organization.
Craig T. Owens 