How Guys Unintentionally Sabotage Their Relationships

There is a relationship killer that seems to be particularly hard for men. It’s hard because men’s brains are designed in a way that sometimes prohibits them from even seeing this issue.

Bill & Pam Farrel wrote a book called Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti. The Farrels identify how men tend to compartmentalize their lives. That is, guys can be so absorbed in one “box” in their life that they are completely oblivious to the other boxes. For instance, when a man is at work he seldom thinks about the other areas of his life (his wife, his kids, the bills that need to be paid, what he’s going to have for lunch).

In addition, men’s brains are also designed to stay in those boxes where things can be quickly fixed. A guy likes fixing things, so the boxes where he can do something and see an immediate result is a box he’s going to keep going back to again and again.

Here’s the trouble… Relationships don’t fit in nice, neat boxes. Neither are relationships something that can be “fixed.” And relationships are never, ever fixed or improved quickly.

So if a guy isn’t aware of these things, he can be unintentionally sabotaging the relationships around him.

King David illustrated this in his unintentional lack of involvement in three of his sons’ lives—

  • Amnon pursued an unhealthy relationship with his step-sister. David got mad but never did anything about it (2 Samuel 13:21).
  • Absalom got revenge for what Amnon did and then fled the country. When David finally allowed him to return to Israel, they never met to resolve what went wrong (2 Samuel 14:28).
  • Adonijah wanted to be king after David, but the Bible says, “His father had never interfered with him by asking, ‘Why do you behave as you do?’” (1 Kings 1:6).

Dave Wills wrote, “We all tend to craft a self-focused view of the world where we emerge as either a hero or a victim in every scene. We’re never the villains in the story. The truth is, though, that we’ve all been the bad guy more often than we’d like to admit. A life of love requires that we look in the mirror and give an honest and humble self-assessment.”

The way to defeat this relationship killer is to become aware of it through humble self-assessment. David learned this truth and shared his prayer with us: “Search me, O God. Show me any areas in my life where I am off-track” (Psalm 139:23-24).

In response to this prayer, the Holy Spirit must have showed David how he had unintentionally starved his relationships with Amnon, Absalom, and Adonijah, because he became highly involved in his son Solomon’s life.

So much so that as Solomon talked to his children about how they should live, he also told them where he had learned how to do this—his father taught him (Proverbs 4:1-4).

Guys, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been unintentionally in another box. It doesn’t matter how strained the relationship may have become. If you will humbly ask God to search you, reveal to you where you’ve messed up, and ask Him to help you get better … your relationships WILL begin to improve!

Don’t wait another day to pray that “Search me” prayer!

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Five Women

Five women. Only two of them knew one of the other women. Other than that, they were strangers. In fact, the timeline between them spans 2000 years.

Yet these five women are linked together in a way that literally impacts every person who has ever lived. 

At the time they were alive, no one would have seen them as world-changers.

  • One acted like a prostitute
  • One was a prostitute
  • One was widowed, abandoned and bankrupt
  • One was nearly divorced because it looked like she cheated
  • One was merely a pawn in an envious man’s twisted scheme

Yet all of them play roles in God’s story that cannot be replaced. If any one of these women failed to trust God, disaster would have befallen on all human beings.

All of them were mothers. And all of them still have something encouraging to say to today’s mothers.

Join me this Sunday morning at Calvary Assembly of God as we share this powerful message of hope with our moms.

Links & Quotes

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“To some Christians today, this world is not a sinking ship or a world reserved for fire. It is an international capitol building overrun with undesirables whom these believers plan to kick out. They will then take their place, renovating and governing it all themselves. Such thinking is symptomatic of a dying love for Jesus and a clinging to this world!” —David Wilkerson

“Some of my best men are women!” —William Booth

Did you know: Babies in the womb have beating hearts at only 21 days gestation, detectable brain waves at roughly 42 days, and can suck their thumbs and yawn?

Frank Turek is exactly right: Sex Is The New Religion.

“For decades social science has found that there is an optimal family structure for a child’s intellectual, emotional and physical flourishing:  being raised in a home by her biological, married parents. All other arrangements—cohabiting biological parents, marriage with one step-parent, two adoptive parents or single parents—do not generally provide the same level of benefit.” Read more in this post about children raised by same-sex parents.

ImpressionHopefully none of my pastor friends ever do this!

Good reminder from John Maxwell: How Do You Become A Successful Failure?

Important health news: What stress does to your body.

Links & Quotes

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“…It will not be possible to compound for my own sins by denouncing those of others. That is a very cheap sort of virtue; bullying other people’s vices. The easiest thing in all the world is to be constantly denouncing popular faults; but to wring the neck of one of my own bosom sins is a harder work by far, and a much better sign of conversion. To be earnest against the sin of others may be praiseworthy, but it is no sign of grace in the heart; for natural men have been some of the greatest leaders in this matter. To loathe my own sin, to humble myself on account of my own personal faults, and to endeavor in the sight of God to renounce every false way, is a work of something more than human nature. … Unless you hate especially the besetting sin which is most congenial to your own nature, you need to be converted.” —Charles Spurgeon

“I find that when I think I am asking God to forgive me I am often in reality (unless I watch myself very carefully) asking Him to do something quite different. I am asking Him not to forgive me but to excuse me. But there is all the difference in the world between forgiving and excusing.” —C.S. Lewis

The valuable role of godly women: It’s Time For Women To Go To War.

Married couples need to remember this: Kids Aren’t The Priority. Marriage Is.

Parents, here are the 5 best gifts you can give your children.

For you science buffs, and for those interested in facts to use when debating Creation versus evolution, check out Myths Dressed As Science.

And here’s another great piece: Why Evolutionary Ethics Fails To Account For Objective Morality.

“We do not really believe in God unless we believe He is the God of the impossible!” —David Wilkerson

Mobile, Messy & Meaningful

21st-century Americans in Christ's timeI think we have made the Church and Christianity something different than what the New Testament shows us. We’ve created far too many “things” which simply aren’t in the Bible. That’s not to say these things are wrong, but they may become stumbling blocks to us if we make secondary things the primary thing.

So what is the primary thing about church?

It might surprise you to know that the word church is only used twice by Jesus (Matthew 16:18, 18:17). He used a Greek word ekklesia, which meant a gathering of people called out from their homes into some public place. This word originally had more of a “town hall” meaning to it, but Jesus used this as a starting point to show us true church.

In Christ’s time the church for Him was…

Mobile—wherever He was, church was. Look at the extensive traveling He did. He held as many “church services” in people’s dining rooms as He did in the synagogues.

Messy—often as Jesus was speaking…

  • People constantly coming and going
  • Pharisees yapping and interrupting
  • Kids playing
  • Women sitting at His feet, anointing Him, crying over Him
  • Food and drink were usually involved
  • Foot washing was taking place
  • When He was outdoors: wind, waves, farmers, passers-by…
  • When He was indoors: food being served and eaten, roofs being ripped off…
  • People constantly interrupted His sermons: “Blessed is Your mother…”; “Tell my brother to give me my inheritance…”; “My daughter is dying!…”

Meaningful

  • “I must go through Samaria.”
  • “It’s not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.”
  • “Zaccheus, today I’m eating dinner at your house.”
  • “The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me to preach good news to the poor, freedom to the captive, sight to the blind, favor to the oppressed.”

Jesus asked His disciples Who they thought He was (see Matthew 16:13-18). The correct answer was Peter’s declaration, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God!” Jesus said, “You’re right, and on that declaration I will build My church.”

Our job is to make Jesus known as the Christ, the Son of the living God (v. 16).

Christ’s job is to build His Church (v. 18).

He didn’t tell us to build a building and invite people to come on Sundays.

He didn’t tell us to start a Sunday School or a feeding program or a youth group.

There’s nothing wrong with these things, but they are not the main thing. 

The main thing is Jesus being seen as the Son of the living God. Where we are gathered together in that confession and purpose—even just two or three of us—that’s where His church is (see Matthew 18:20).

We must be mobile, taking a meaningful message into people’s messy lives. That is true church.

Guys, It’s Not About The Nail

NailFellas, trust me on this one: the woman in your life doesn’t want you to fix her problems; she only wants you to listen and empathize.

So let her talk … Really hear what she’s saying … Really feel what she’s feeling. That’s what she really wants from you.

Perhaps this will help—

Get Off Your Knees & Pray (book review)

I know the subtitle of Sheila Walsh’s book Get Off Your Knees & Pray is “a woman’s guide to life-changing prayer,” but I thought it was fantastic!

I think something special happens when women pray, so I’d love to see more women getting serious about their prayer life. In a moment I’ll tell you how to win a FREE copy of this book. But first, I’ve asked my wife Betsy to share a thought with you about prayer.

I have never viewed myself as a consistent prayer warrior who stands in the gap for others. I pray for those in need and talk with God on a regular basis about my life, my heart’s desires, my fears, my needs. I always had a simple trust that God would come through, He would somehow make things right. Then one day, things weren’t right. My life was in a place I never imagined. I felt completely out of control. All stability was gone, a majority of my comfort was gone, and I looked at the future and felt uncertainty. I didn’t like this place – at all! The most confusing part was that all I had ever attempted to do was follow God’s leading. Although I attempted to cry out to God, it was difficult because I was angry with God. It’s an interesting place to be when you are attempting to pray to the one who helps you forgive others, when you have anger directed at Him.

That was a long, dark time. I am happy to say, I’m not there today. I have pressed through and God has helped me. Those prayers and cries for help…He heard them all. I remember specific moments when I chose to stand upon God’s Word in prayer and to confess what I could not yet see. My final breakthrough came when I surrendered the need to know why, I was simply willing to trust Him. Let me tell you, it was not a simple choice. It was an act of my will. Today, many of my prayers are still unfilled, but I am confident that God’s plan is happening in my life and the lives of those around me.

One thing that helped me to recognize answered prayer, was to focus on the little moments in my life. As I became grateful and acknowledged God’s leading and provision in my normal everyday life, I became increasingly aware that He was working. In those dark days I believe He was working, I just was focused on the wrong things.

So, if you don’t believe that God is working in your situation, ask Him for a new set of eyes. Begin to thank him for the good things around you, no matter how small. I believe you will begin to see bigger and bigger things emerging.

Here’s how to win a free copy of Get Off Your Knees & Pray. To be entered in the drawing (which will take place Friday, May 27, at 5pm EDT), do one or both of the following:

  1. Leave a comment below about what you’ve learned recently about prayer. Even if your comment is “I need to pray more,” it will help others to know they are not alone.
  2. Send the following message via Twitter: Win a free copy of @SheilaWalsh’s “Get Off Your Knees & Pray” from craigtowens.com at http://wp.me/pmy10-19P #prayingwomen

If you are the winner, you will be notified after the drawing on May 27, 2011.

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