Empathizing Is Never One-Upping

Listen to the podcast of this post by clicking on the player below, and you can also subscribe on AppleSpotify, or Audible. 

When we are going through something difficult or painful, we want to get counsel from someone who has some understanding of what we’re facing. In a word, we want someone empathetic. 

Webster’s Dictionary defines empathy as the action of understanding, being aware of, and being sensitive to the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another. If you were telling me about your painful situation, to let you know that I “get you”—that I empathize with you—I might say something like, “I’ve been there, done that, and have the scars to prove it.” 

But as I tell you my story, I need to really guard against one-upmanship. Webster’s defines that as the art or practice of outdoing or keeping one jump ahead of a friend or competitor. Saying something like, “Oh, feel your pain, but let me tell you how I had it so much worse” is one-upping and unhelpful! 

In my book When Sheep Bite, I wrote this in the Introduction—

     When you share a tale of real pain with a trusted friend, you don’t want them to try to one-up your story. Instead, you would want them to comfort you in your pain, to give you some helpful insight, or to even just cry along with you. On the other hand, you probably aren’t going to share your story of pain with someone who has no understanding of your situation. We want someone who “gets us,” someone who can relate, someone who can truly empathize with what we are feeling. … 

     I want to give you what I wanted when this happened to me: empathy, insight, a helpful perspective, and a manual of help that God has provided in the Bible. I don’t want to try to one-up your story of pain, because I’m confident that no one could truly know how deeply you’ve been hurt. But I do want to give you some assurance that I know what I’m talking about. 

As I was discussing some of the ideas in my book with a group of pastors, I reminded them of the value of an iron-sharpening-iron friend (as Solomon describes in Proverbs 27:17) who is empathetic without crossing the line into one-upmanship. 

I truly believe that When Sheep Bite will be a healing resource for shepherd leaders who have been there, done that, and have the sheep bite marks to prove it. If you are a pastor—or if you love your pastor—please pick up a copy today! 

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My Newest Book Is Available Now

When Sheep Bite is available for purchase now.

This is a book I wish I didn’t have to write, but far too many pastors are leaving their ministries too early because of the attacks they have had to endure. When Sheep Bite is help for hurting shepherds.

One pastor has called this book “a must-read for every pastor and ministry leader,” and another pastor said, “This is more than a good book. This is the difference between finishing your race and dropping out.”

Check out this book review by theologian T.M. Moore.

When Sheep Bite is presented in three sections:

  1. Cultivating God’s heart toward the sheep
  2. A shepherd’s godly response to attacks
  3. Finishing well

Get your print copy today!

Here is a recent video about When Sheep Bite. You can also check out the whole playlist of videos related to this helpful book.

Please Don’t Misunderstand Me

Listen to the podcast of this post by clicking on the player below, and you can also subscribe on AppleSpotify, or Audible. 

I want to make sure there are no misunderstandings on this, so please stay with me! I realize that the title of my newest book—When Sheep Bite—may bring a picture to your mind that I never intended.

Check out this episode of The Podcast.

Here are some helpful resources from this episode:

If you would like to watch the full interview I did on the Converge Coaching podcast, check that out here.

Order your copy of When Sheep Bite here!

Here are a bunch of ways to get in touch with me and follow along with other projects on which I am involved.

►► Would you please prayerfully consider supporting this ministry? My Patreon supporters get behind-the-scenes access to exclusive materials. ◀︎◀︎

I Wish I Didn’t Have To Write This Book

Listen to the podcast of this post by clicking on the player below, and you can also subscribe on AppleSpotify, or Audible. 

This is a book that I wish I didn’t have to write. But it needed to be written, so let me tell you what it’s all about.

Check out this episode of The Podcast.

Here are some helpful resources from this episode:

If you would like to watch the full interview I did on the Converge Coaching podcast, check that out here.

Order your copy of When Sheep Bite here!

Here are a bunch of ways to get in touch with me and follow along with other projects on which I am involved

►► Would you please prayerfully consider supporting this ministry? My Patreon supporters get behind-the-scenes access to exclusive materials. ◀︎◀︎

Talking About Biting Sheep (part 1)

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I was so thrilled to join John Opalewski and Jim Wiegand on the Leading From Alignment podcast! 

This is part 1 of my interview with them about my new book When Sheep Bite.

►► Would you please prayerfully consider supporting this ministry? My Patreon supporters get behind-the-scenes access to exclusive materials. ◀︎◀︎

Shepherds Can’t Disconnect From Their Sheep

Listen to the podcast of this post by clicking on the player below, and you can also subscribe on AppleSpotify, or Audible. 

Pastors are called to be shepherd leaders. Karl Vaters points out that some pastors get caught up in “the green room syndrome” that disconnects them from their sheep.

Here is another clip from The Church Lobby Podcast where Karl and I talk about this.

The biblical passage I reference in this interview is John 10:1-16. 

Check out other parts of my interview on The Church Lobby podcast here. Or check out the full conversation Karl and I had on The Church Lobby podcast here.

Get more information on Shepherd Leadership here. And pre-order my newest book When Sheep Bite here.

►► Would you please prayerfully consider supporting this ministry? My Patreon supporters get behind-the-scenes access to exclusive materials. Like some exclusive quotes from a book I just reviewed. ◀︎◀︎

Links & Quotes

A great mental health strategy: focus on what is happening today. Trying to fix yesterday or worrying about tomorrow robs you of the peace God wants you to have. Check out the full series of mental health strategies I shared here. I have lots of new content every week, which you can check out on my YouTube channel.

“Compromise and commitment cannot coincide. … Conviction leads to commitment, but the lack of commitment leads to compromise.” —Dr. Tony Evans

I love reading about the archeological finds that confirm the historicity of the Bible! Here is a post from The Bible Archeology Report on the top ten discoveries related to Christmas.

“Hard times create strong men. Strong men create good times. Good times create weak men. Weak men create hard times.” —G. Michael Hopf

“Luck is when an opportunity comes along and you’re prepared for it.” —Denzel Washington

“Ministers are set to be lights to the souls of men in this respect, as they are to be the means of imparting divine truth to them, and bringing into their view the most glorious and excellent objects, and of leading them to and assisting them in the contemplation of those things that angels desire to look into…by which they may know God and Jesus Christ, whom to know is life eternal.” —Jonathan Edwards

“Scripture the unus sermo Dei—the one sermon of God.” —Augustine

T.M. Moore is presenting another outstanding series of posts, this one about the dignity of work. In one post, he wrote, “A just society requires all members to contribute love for their neighbors, whether they are poor or wealthy. Those who will not work when they can do so should be left to the consequences of their sluggardliness (2 Thessalonians 3:10). It is incumbent on local community leaders to discover ways, analogous to the work of gleaning, of helping to meet the needs of local poor. These might include keeping part-time work available, identifying ‘community work’ opportunities and helping to fund them, offering job counseling and training, and so forth. Churches certainly could pioneer the way in this, creating opportunities for work on their campuses, on behalf of needy members, and for the community at large.”

“The Holy Spirit responds to our walking according to the Word, not merely talking about the Word.” —Dr. Tony Evans

Secure To Serve

Listen to the podcast of this post by clicking on the player below, and you can also subscribe on AppleSpotify, or Audible. 

T.M. Moore is an esteemed theologian and a good friend. I was excited to discover someone who shared my passion for viewing pastoring as “pasturing”—seeing ourselves as under-shepherds following The Chief Shepherd Jesus. 

More resources:

►► Would you please prayerfully consider supporting this ministry? My Patreon supporters get behind-the-scenes access to exclusive materials. ◀︎◀︎

Links & Quotes

Your relentless pursuit of personal improvement becomes a better resume than anything you could ever put on paper! Check out the full conversation Greg and I had about personal development on The Craig And Greg Show leadership podcast. And be sure to check out all of my videos on my YouTube channel.

T.M. Moore has a regular series of posts for pastors. This week he shared this, “In his training manual for pastors, Gregory the Great wrote, ‘There are some who investigate spiritual precepts with cunning care, but what they penetrate with their understanding they trample on in their lives: all at once they are teaching the things which not by practice but by study they have learnt; and what in words they preach by their manners they impugn. Whence it comes to pass that when the shepherd walks through steep places, the flock follows to the precipice’ (The Book of Pastoral Rule).” If you are a pastor, I encourage you to check out the Pastor To Pastor posts on The Fellowship Of Ailbe.

On May 22, A.D. 337, Emperor Constantine died. John Stonestreet wrote, “Many Christians think that Constantine was perhaps the worst thing to happen to the Church. They believe he made Christianity the imperial religion, thus leading the Church to compromise with pagan culture, marrying it to state power, and derailing the spread of the Gospel. The Church, they argue, was better off as a persecuted minority.” Please check out this post co-written by Dr. Glenn Sunshine that gives some better historical perspective than perhaps what you have heard previously.

The other day, a friend of mine was scammed through her Facebook page. Scams are everywhere, so you need to stay aware of the ways to protect yourself. This is a helpful overview from Capital One of various types of scams.

“A problem is a chance for you to do your best.” —Duke Ellington

Jellyfish fossils point to a global Flood, like the one reported in the Bible. Because jellyfish are 95 percent water, they have to be buried quickly in order to be saved as a fossil. 

J. Warner Wallace describes how Jesus arrived at the perfect moment in history. Once again giving more evidence to the historicity of the biblical accounts.

One of the most powerful missions sermons I have heard was preached by Dick Brogden:

An important warning from Axis—What it is: The Surgeon General has issued a warning on the dangers of social media for teenagers. Why the alarm bell is reaching a fever pitch: People have been wary of social media’s impact on developing brains for two decades—so why are highly-visible tone setters, like the Surgeon General and the American Psychological Association, issuing big, sweeping statements now? Part of it could be because we are getting more quality data on how social media shapes a young person’s brain. One newer study that’s been getting some buzz suggests that individuals who received their first smartphone at a later age have better mental health as young adults. Several big bills that aim to protect minors online will be voted on this year as tech giants face increased scrutiny over their safeguards (or lack thereof), for younger users. Kids growing up even a decade from now may encounter a completely different digital landscape when it’s their turn to learn about online literacy.

Links & Quotes

Shalom—the peace that comes from God—could be defined simply as “nothing missing.” But couldn’t it also be defined as “no one missing”? It sure could! What peace there is when no one is missing from Heaven! Check out more of this message hereAnd be sure to check out all of my videos on my YouTube channel.

“A good man is a God-fixated man, ever-receiving, ever-overflowing.” —Dick Brogden, in Proverbs: Amplified and Applied

“Despite the moon’s apparently simple shape, uniformitarian scientists have long had great difficulty explaining how it could form by natural processes apart from a supernatural Creator. One Harvard astrophysicist once quipped that the best explanation for the moon’s existence was observational error—the moon doesn’t really exist!” This is a very interesting post from the Institute for Creation Research.

“Do we not miss very much of the sweetness and efficacy of prayer by a want of careful meditation before it, and hopeful expectation after it? … We too often rush into the presence of God without forethought or humility. We are like people who present themselves before a king without a petition, and what wonder is it that we often miss the end of prayer? We should be careful to keep the stream of meditation always running, for this is the water to drive the mill of prayer. … Prayer without fervency is like hunting with a dead dog, and prayer without preparation is hawking with a blind falcon. Prayer is the work of the Holy Spirit, but He works by means. God made man, but He used the dust of the earth as a material. The Holy Ghost is the Author of prayer, but He employs the thoughts of a fervent soul as the gold with which to fashion the vessel. Let our prayers and praises be not the flashes of a hot and hasty brain but the steady burning of a well-kindled fire.” —Charles Spurgeon, in Spurgeon and the Psalms

What a powerful word to pastors from T.M. Moore’s post First Things First. “Pastors sometimes complain that their people don’t seem very hungry or thirsty for the things of the Lord. Sated on the junk food of getting-and-spending, generously ladled over with pop culture, God’s people have little appetite for Christ or His Word. But what about us? Does our hunger and thirst for Christ make them long for the same? Do they see in us that earnest desire to be with the Lord that tells them they’re missing something of great importance? Loving Christ and delighting to be with Him is infectious. If the people we serve see it in us, they’ll want it for themselves, more than anything this world might offer.”

We don’t read about Jesus getting angry that often, but what usually got Him upset was when people in need were being kept from the God who could meet their needs. Sadly, it was usually man-made rules and practices that kept people away. I don’t want to make Jesus angry, so I need to evaluate anything in my life that may be standing in the way of connecting needy people with a need-satisfying God. 

“So in our broader culture, people no longer sin; they make mistakes. What about our Christian environment? In our case, sin is not denied. Instead it is often redefined to refer to the more flagrant sins of society. We tend to ignore our own sins of pride, selfishness, gossip, and the like. So, effectively, no one sins anymore. The reason is that we have lost sight of the biblical meaning of sin.  Typically, if we are not actually murderers, felons, or adulterers, we tend to think of our common sins as no more serious than a parking violation. We are so used to living with pride, selfishness, envy, gossip, and a whole host of other ‘respectable sins’ that we don’t even think of them as sin. But the fact is that, as serial sinners, we are all as guilty before God as that murderer. You and I sin every day in thought, word, deed, and motive. And whether those sins appear great or small in our own sight, in reality every sin we commit is an act of rebellion against God, a rejection and attempted negation of His sovereignty and rulership over us.” —Jerry Bridges