Craig T. Owens

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The apostle Paul’s letters to the church in Corinth show two things: a lot of correction and a lot of love. In fact, it’s in the middle of some correction and redirection about the misuse of spiritual gifts that Paul gives us the quintessential definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13. 

Paul also wrote, “For I wrote you out of great distress and anguish of heart and with many tears, not to grieve you but to let you know the depth of my love for you” (2 Corinthians 2:4). 

The truth does need to be spoken to wayward sheep, but it has to be birthed in love and spoken in love or else it will alienate more than help. People don’t care to listen to my counsel or correction until they know how much I truly care for them. 

There needs to be a connection before attempting the correction. 

I have an entire chapter in my book When Sheep Bite on this topic. Here’s an excerpt—

     It is possible that our grace-filled response to our biting sheep may make the difference to their eternal home. The apostle Paul told Timothy that those sheep who were out of line were trapped by the devil, and unless Timothy did something those sheep may never break free—

     And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will. (2 Timothy 2:24-26) 

     For some reason many shepherd leaders have made “confrontation” a dirty word, or have sullied its usefulness by confronting in an ungodly way. One thing that will help us handle confrontation the right way is to remember why we confront: The goal of confrontation is restoration, not destruction! 

     There is a cliché that says, “Once bitten, twice shy.” As I mentioned earlier, after we’ve been bitten we need to allow the Holy Spirit to search our hearts to point out anything in us that may have contributed to such a painful outburst from that sheep. Perhaps after doing all of that you attempted to confront a sheep and it didn’t go so well. As a result, you are now a bit shy to confront another wayward sheep. Dick Brogden wrote:

     “Experience so easily leads us to cynicism. Information too easily leads to pain. Leadership often makes us jaded because we’ve seen so much junk, all the effects of broken people breaking people. … A strong heart determines that it will stay soft, that it will absorb hurt, disappointment, and reality, and yet believe that God can redeem people and circumstances.” 

     Handled correctly, confrontation can lead to restoration, a deeper intimacy, and newfound maturity. Handled incorrectly, and, well, let’s just say it can get very ugly!

     I imagine we have all heard stories of the fallout from confrontation in another pasture, or perhaps we know the painful consequences in our own pastures. But let’s try for a moment to put those past experiences or secondhand stories out of our minds and take a fresh look at how to handle confrontation. 

     Samuel was going to be sent by God to confront King Saul about the sin he had committed. Look at this passage: “Then the word of the Lord came to Samuel: ‘I am grieved that I have made Saul king, because he has turned away from Me and has not carried out My instructions.’ Samuel was troubled, and he cried out to the Lord all that night” (1 Samuel 15:10-11). 

     Did you catch how Samuel responded? He cried out to the Lord all that night. 

     Perhaps if we, as godly under-shepherds, cried before we confronted the results might be more healthy. Billy Graham noted, “Tears shed for self are tears of weakness, but tears shed for others are a sign of strength.” (from Chapter 5 ‘Cry Before You Confront’) 

If you have some difficult but necessary words to speak to someone, take time to cry before you confront. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you the most loving way to handle this situation. Cry before you confront, and may your tears soften your heart to speak truthful words saturated in your love for God and your love for this wayward saint. 

Please pick up a copy of When Sheep Bite to learn more biblical strategies for handling biting sheep and for healing from biting sheep. If I can be of help to you, please get in touch with me.

P.S. You may also be interested in a whole series about growing and showing our love called Loving the Unlovable.

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