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When we are going through something difficult or painful, we want to get counsel from someone who has some understanding of what we’re facing. In a word, we want someone empathetic.
Webster’s Dictionary defines empathy as the action of understanding, being aware of, and being sensitive to the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another. If you were telling me about your painful situation, to let you know that I “get you”—that I empathize with you—I might say something like, “I’ve been there, done that, and have the scars to prove it.”
But as I tell you my story, I need to really guard against one-upmanship. Webster’s defines that as the art or practice of outdoing or keeping one jump ahead of a friend or competitor. Saying something like, “Oh, feel your pain, but let me tell you how I had it so much worse” is one-upping and unhelpful!
In my book When Sheep Bite, I wrote this in the Introduction—
When you share a tale of real pain with a trusted friend, you don’t want them to try to one-up your story. Instead, you would want them to comfort you in your pain, to give you some helpful insight, or to even just cry along with you. On the other hand, you probably aren’t going to share your story of pain with someone who has no understanding of your situation. We want someone who “gets us,” someone who can relate, someone who can truly empathize with what we are feeling. …
I want to give you what I wanted when this happened to me: empathy, insight, a helpful perspective, and a manual of help that God has provided in the Bible. I don’t want to try to one-up your story of pain, because I’m confident that no one could truly know how deeply you’ve been hurt. But I do want to give you some assurance that I know what I’m talking about.
As I was discussing some of the ideas in my book with a group of pastors, I reminded them of the value of an iron-sharpening-iron friend (as Solomon describes in Proverbs 27:17) who is empathetic without crossing the line into one-upmanship.
I truly believe that When Sheep Bite will be a healing resource for shepherd leaders who have been there, done that, and have the sheep bite marks to prove it. If you are a pastor—or if you love your pastor—please pick up a copy today!
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Craig T. Owens 