I keep getting these annoying messages on Twitter that say something like, “I got over 500 new followers on Twitter, and you can too!!” Then I get these sorts of emails, “We can increase the traffic to your blog 300% per day!”
What would make them think I want more? Maybe it’s because almost everything in our lives is about more.
After high school, go to college to get more education.
After college, climb the corporate ladder to get more money or more recognition.
After you start working, take more vacations and enjoy more perks.
Lately, I’ve become focused on better. I think better is better than more.
More is about width, better is about depth.
More is an exhausting pursuit, better is a satisfying pursuit.
More is about quantity, better is about quality.
So here’s my challenge, trade more for better—
Instead of looking for more friends, make your current friendships better.
Instead of getting more followers on Twitter, make better followers.
Instead of getting more education, get a better education.
Instead of trying to read more books, read better books.
Instead of spending more time with a lot of people, spend better time with a few people.
In what areas of your life can better be better than more?
I sliced my thumb open yesterday. Okay, maybe “sliced” is a little too dramatic. But I did cut my thumb, and it did bleed. True, it didn’t gush blood—more like oozed blood—but blood was escaping my body. It was a small cut; perhaps a ¼-inch long.
I pressed a tissue on it until it stopped bleeding. I washed my thumb thoroughly with antibacterial soap and water. I applied some Neosporin ointment. And I wrapped the injury in a fresh Band-aid.
All of this care and concern for a small cut on my thumb.
Do you realize how much one uses their thumb in the course of a day?
Trying to rinse dishes in the sink I couldn’t hold the plate or the dish scrubber without my thumb being involved
My thumb was involved when I turned the doorknob of the front door
When I was opening a package of fruit snacks for my son, my thumb was needed for either the holding or the ripping
Ditto when I attempted to open the lid of the 2-liter bottle
That small cut on the thumb on my non-dominant hand was affecting my entire day. One little cut and my entire body was adversely affected!
A friend called me the other day. His heart was ripped open. Okay, maybe “ripped” is a little too dramatic. But he was emotionally damaged. True, he didn’t need a trip to the emergency room and he probably won’t have to start taking anti-depressants, but emotional “blood” was escaping his heart.
He called me, and I responded. One little wound in my friend’s heart and I was affected! Do you realize how much one’s emotions are involved in the course of a day?
Dr. Paul Brand was a renowned hand surgeon and missionary who worked with leprosy patients in India for years. He learned that leprosy doesn’t mangle a person’s foot or hand, but their lack of ability to feel pain does. They don’t feel the cut on their pinky toe or left thumb, and so they never attend to it. The injury becomes infected, and still no pain registers to tell them to take care of it. Eventually serious, irreversible damage is done.
Listen to what Dr. Brand wrote in his book In His Image—
“A body only possesses unity to the degree that it possess pain…. We must develop a lower threshold of pain by listening, truly listening, to those who suffer. The word compassion itself comes from Latin words cum and pati; together meaning ‘to suffer with.’ … The body protects poorly what it does not feel.”
“Management of pain requires a delicate balance between proper sensitivity, to determine its cause and mobilize a response, and enough inner strength to keep the pain from dominating the whole person. For the Body of Christ, the balance is every bit as delicate and as imperative.”
We must develop a lower threshold of pain by listening, truly listening. … The body protects poorly what it does not feel. Are you listening, truly listening to those who are hurting around you today? You are connected to them. If one person hurts, we all hurt.
Truly listen. If they are hurting, it does affect you … and me. Let’s find them, bandage them, apply ointment to their wounds, and protect them from further injury. Let’s feel their pain so we can protect them from further pain.
The other day a friend of mine wrote on Facebook that he was shopping with his daughter. He half-jokingly added, “I think that is her love language!” I say half-jokingly because I think the time with Daddy was speaking volumes to his daughter.
Spending time shopping with Dad was filling her love tank!
Have you ever felt like one of your relationships was in a rut? Or maybe even in a rut with ends in it (also known as a grave!)? Do you ever feel like the other person just doesn’t get you? Have you ever been frustrated that the other person doesn’t understand all that you are doing for him/her?
My guess is that you are speaking different love languages.
Dr. Gary Chapman wrote an amazing book called The Five Love Languages. In his book, he lays out five “languages” that we use to communicate our love to one another:
Words of affirmation
Quality time
Gifts
Acts of service
Physical touch
When you and I communicate, we naturally communicate in a way that is most comfortable to us. We communicate in our primary love language. But if the other person in the relationship has a different love language, no matter how much you love them, you are simply not getting through effectively. You are leaving the other person with a near-empty love tank.
I would suggest you start by taking a brief love language assessment (download the free PDF here → 5 Love Languages assessment) to determine YOUR OWN love language first. This is the language you will feel most comfortable using. Second, you need to learn the love languages of OTHERS CLOSE TO YOU so you can change your love dialect.
In the great love chapter in the Bible, the apostle Paul says this, “When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things” (v. 11, New Living Translation). Our love—and the way we express it to others—should always be growing up. If you are trying to communicate your love to someone special in the same ways (the same “languages”) you’ve always used, there’s a good chance your love is being viewed as childish.
As you mature in your expressions of love — as you speak the other person’s love language — you will begin to fill their love tank. Guess what happens next? Out of a full love tank, the other person is motivated to begin to speak your love language, to fill your tank. It can become so much fun to love with a full tank! Because when the other person’s love tank is full, almost any love language will work for them—wow, what a blast!
UPDATE… my friend Greg Heeres and I host a leadership podcast on YouTube. Recently, we discussed the value of leaders learning and speaking the love languages of their teammates.
…but it requires some serious in-the-mirror introspection to answer.
Honestly:
…when times are tough,
…when it’s inconvenient for you,
…when it’s out of your comfort zone,
…when you’ve had a hard day yourself,
…can others count on you to come through?
It really boils down to this:
…are you a lifter or a leaner?
“There are two kinds of people on earth today;
Just two kinds of people, no more, I say.
Not the sinner and saint, for it’s well understood
That the good are half-bad and the bad half-good.
Not the rich and the poor, for to rate a man’s wealth,
You must first know the state of his conscience and health.
Not the humble and the proud, for in life’s little span,
Who puts on vain airs, is not counted a man.
Not the happy and sad, for the swift flying years
Bring each man his laughter and each man his tears.
No; the two kinds of people on earth I mean,
Are the people who lift and the people who lean.
Wherever you go, you will find the earth’s masses,
Are always divided in just these two classes.
And oddly enough, you will find too, I ween,
There’s only one lifter to twenty who lean.
In which class are you? Are you easing the load,
Of overtaxed lifters, who toil down the road?
Or are you a leaner, who lets others share
Your portion of labor, and worry and care?”
—Ella Wheeler Wilcox, Which Are You?
I’m struggling with this one. I have a dear friend who is perplexed by an ongoing drug addiction. He appeared to have it under control until things in his life started spiraling out of his control, and he gave in to his old habit again.
So the Bible says that if one of my brothers slips up I’m supposed to restore him gently. How exactly does one do that? I bounced between so many emotions during the last 48 hours: anger at this addiction, sorrow for what my friend is going through, heaviness at what he’s doing to himself and his family, hatred at the devil for his evil tricks, and a passion to see him whole and healthy and free again. Then my own thoughts have baffled me: “How do I gently restore my brother? What does restoration look like?”
Restoration is an interesting Greek word. It can mean setting a broken bone; mending torn fishing nets; manning a fleet of ships; or supplying an army with its provisions.
Restoration is NOT canceling a debt or removing the consequence for someone’s actions. I like what Dave Anderson wrote, “One of the best lessons you can teach your people is that when they choose a behavior they choose the consequences for that behavior.”
Restoration is feeling the pain of what’s been broken or defeated, learning the lesson from that, and then repairing the break or deficiency in such a way that it won’t break or be defeated again. I have the responsibility and the privilege of doing some mending for my friend.
What about gentle? Over time this word has come to mean something like wishy-washy, no backbone, no guts. Gentle originates from the Latin word gentilis which means belonging to the same family or clan. To be gentle is to be strong enough to respond in a controlled manner to someone who is just like me. Gentleness is strength under control.
I hope I’m gentle enough to restore my friend, to mend what is broken in him so he never has to be defeated by this addiction again. He has some consequences to face. But I am committed to helping him carry this heavy load all the way to the finish line.
Check it out—
Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:1-2)
Gentle restoration is hard work. But it’s so worth the effort!
If you have any thoughts on how to gently restore a friend, I’d love to have you share them with me in the comments section.
I’m facing a big decision. I have an idea of the right way to go, but I’m taking some time to run my options by some wise guys. After all, even King Solomon—who was wiser than any other man, and probably could advise himself—wrote, “The more wise counsel you follow, the better your chances” (Proverbs 11:14, Message).
I also like what George Washington Carver said, “How much of God are we missing because we don’t stop to listen to the many voices God uses to speak to us?”
Of all the voices speaking to me, how am I choosing which wise guys to listen to?
Friendship—I have to know that my counselors are my friends. William Shakespeare asked the question, “Can he that speaks with the tongue of an enemy be a good counselor, or no?” I would answer “no.” I need wise guys that want me to be successful.
B.T.D.T.—I choose wise guys who have Been There Done That. Guys who have walked through the same scenario I’m facing now. Not a travel agent to point the way, but a tour guide who knows the path and will walk it with me.
Scarred—It’s hard to be helpful to someone else when you still have a gaping wound. I need wise guys who have been wounded in the past but now have the scars to show where they’ve been healed. It’s from this vantage point that they can be of the most help to me.
Successful—Finally, I choose to listen to wise guys who are successful. I don’t need some to tell me what should work—I want to hear what does work.
There’s an old attorney’s adage that says, “He who represents himself has a fool for a client.” If you have a decision to make I would modify this to say, “He who takes advice only from himself is taking counsel from a fool.”
I’m learning great lessons from hanging out with my puppy Grace. Today I was observing how Grace lives in the moment—how she is fully there in whatever and wherever there is.
When she’s hungry, she eats.
When she’s full, she walks away from her dish.
When she’s thirsty, she drinks.
When she’s satisfied, she walks away from the water bowl.
When someone is around to play with her, she’s on full-throttle GO!
When she’s alone, she amuses herself.
When she’s tired, she takes a nap.
When I leave a room, she follows me.
When I have to go somewhere in my car, she’s right with me.
When I’m happy, she wags her tail.
When I’m upset, her tail and ears hang low.
In short, whatever there is to do, she does just that without holding anything back. And most of the time what she’s doing is based around who’s doing what around her. She’s always fully there in the moment.
I have had a quote in my files for quite some time from Dr. Richard Dobbins. I’m challenged by this thought about married love because it can easily apply to every relationship I have:
“But most of the time Christian married love comes dressed in overalls—it is practical, down-to-earth, everyday hard work. It is really thinking of the other person and doing what the other person needs and being what the other person needs when he or she needs you to be there.”
The great “love chapter” in the Bible (1 Corinthians 13) really is about being there for others … focusing on others … and then living fully in the moment for them. Check out a few verses from this chapter from The Message paraphrase:
Love never gives up. Lovecares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others, Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always, Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
I’m working on being fully there for the ones I love today. How about you?
Bill Hybels wrote in Axiom, “The nature of human beings is such that we tend not to drift into better behaviors. We usually have to be asked by someone to consider taking it up a level.” I have learned that this is true not only for behaviors but for crucial decisions too.
I’m in the process of contemplating some major decisions for my life. During this time I am grateful for friends that can give me their counsel and can share with me their wisdom.
I’m also grateful that they wound me.
Huh?
Yes, I am glad for friends who wound me!
The wise King Solomon wrote, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses” (Proverbs 27:6). So true. Those who don’tcare about you don’t ask the tough questions; those who care about you challenge your logic and your reasoning. Those who don’t care about you let the little things slide; those who care about you challenge you to not settle for the status quo.
The New Living Translation renders this verse, “Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.” I would much prefer to be wounded by a friend during the decision-making time, than to have lots of so-called love upfront, only to walk smack-dab into a huge problem later. Wouldn’t you? So when I have an important decision to make, I get around people who love me enough to wound me.
And not only for the big decisions, but I need sharp friends for the day-in-day-out things that will help me “take it up a level.” Solomon also said, “Become wise by walking with the wise; hang out with fools and watch your life fall to pieces” (Proverbs 13:20, The Message).
Many years ago a Romanian friend shared with me a proverb from his homeland: “Show me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are becoming.”
What does your choice in friends say about you? Do your friends love you enough to wound you? Do your friends help you take it to the next level?
Just finished a nice book of poems by Ralph Waldo Emerson and I thought I’d share a few maxims with you—
“To be great is to be misunderstood.”
“Happy is the house that shelters a friend.”
“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.”
“A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him, I may think aloud.”
“Beauty without grace is the hook without the bait.”
“Life is not so short but there is time for courtesy.”
“Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet. Then all things are at risk.”
“No man thoroughly understands a truth until he has contended against it.”
“In skating over thin ice, our safety is in our speed.”
If you haven’t read any poetry lately, I encourage you to give it a try. It sounds/reads differently, but the rhythm and pace sort of sings to your mind and heart as you read it. For Americans I recommend starting out with some American poets like Emerson or Henry Wadsworth Longfellow; for you Brits, try some Robert Browning.
Listen to the podcast of this post by clicking on the player below, and you can also subscribe on Apple, Spotify, or Audible.
I sort of remember the days of full-service gas stations. My Dad would drive in and say, “Fill ’er up!” and the gas station attendant would jump into action. Filling up the gas tank, cleaning the windshield, checking the oil level, and even checking the air pressure in the tires.
But, alas, those days of full service seem to be long gone, replaced by highly-efficient, less-personal self-serve stations. And I’m not necessarily talking just about gasoline stations either.
All of our lives seem to have become more efficient and less personal. We are a more do-it-yourself, leverage-technology kind of society today. And I wonder if the result is that many people aren’t getting filled up like they used to.
There is a well-known Bible story in 2 Kings 4. A widow is facing what would amount to foreclosure today. Except this foreclosure was on her sons. Her husband, a God-fearing man, had died and left her with debts she could not pay. The practice in that society was for her sons to be “sold” to pay off the debts. These boys would have to work all day long for someone else, and whatever money they would have earned for their labors would go to the creditors.
In her desperation, the widow turned to the prophet Elisha. He asked her if she had anything of value in her house, and she replied, “Just a little oil. But not enough to pay off my debts.” The counsel Elisha gave her is applicable for our self-serve society today—
Elisha said, “Go around and ask all your neighbors for empty jars. Don’t ask for just a few” (v. 3).
Elisha asked the woman and her family to humble themselves—ask all your neighbors. Sometimes this is one of our biggest hindrances: pride which keeps us from admitting we have a need. And this was no small task because she had to ask ALL her neighbors to, “Fill ’er up!”
Elisha asked them to be persistent—don’t ask for just a few. Not just a jar here and there, but ask for every available jar to, “Fill ’er up!”
The principles in this story shouldn’t just apply to times of desperation in our lives. Because maybe if we worked on being around our neighbors and asking what needs they have, and sharing our needs as well, maybe we wouldn’t get into such desperate situations.
In the story in 2 Kings, the oil stopped flowing only after every available jar had been filled. If I want God to continue to pour His oil of blessing into my life, He has to have room in which to pour. That means that I need to be pouring into others’ lives as often as I can. Listen to the blessings when we, “Fill ’er up!”—
I want you to know how delighted I am to have Stephanas, Fortunatus, and Achaicus here with me. They partially make up for your absence! They’ve refreshed me by keeping me in touch with you. (1 Corinthians 16:17-18, The Message paraphrase)
In addition to our own encouragement, we were especially delighted to see how happy Titus was, because his spirit has been refreshed by all of you. (2 Corinthians 7:13)
God bless Onesiphorus and his family! Many’s the time I’ve been refreshed in that house. And he wasn’t embarrassed a bit that I was in jail. The first thing he did when he got to Rome was look me up. May God on the Last Day treat him as well as he treated me. (2 Timothy 1:16-18, The Message paraphrase)
Your love has given me much joy and comfort, my brother, for your kindness has often refreshed the hearts of God’s people. (Philemon 7 NLT)
Get around other “full” people and let them fill you up.
Seek out “empty” people and pour abundantly into them.
The more you pour out into others, the more room there is for God to pour into you.
God is always pleased when our lifestyle is one of “Fill ’er up!”
I keep getting these annoying messages on Twitter that say something like, “I got over 500 new followers on Twitter, and you can too!!” Then I get these sorts of emails, “We can increase the traffic to your blog 300% per day!”
