Full Tank

July 15, 2009 — Craig T. Owens

The other day a friend of mine wrote on Facebook that he was shopping with his daughter. He half-jokingly added, “I think that is her love language!” I say half-jokingly because I think the time with Daddy was speaking volumes to his daughter.

Spending time shopping with Dad was filling her love tank!

Have you ever felt like one of your relationships was in a rut? Or maybe even in a rut with ends in it (also known as a grave!)? Do you ever feel like the other person just doesn’t get you? Have you ever been frustrated that the other person doesn’t understand all that you are doing for him/her?

My guess is that you are speaking different love languages.

Dr. Gary Chapman wrote an amazing book called The Five Love Languages. In his book, he lays out five “languages” that we use to communicate our love to one another:

  • Words of affirmation
  • Quality time
  • Gifts
  • Acts of service
  • Physical touch

When you and I communicate, we naturally communicate in a way that is most comfortable to us. We communicate in our primary love language. But if the other person in the relationship has a different love language, no matter how much you love them, you are simply not getting through effectively. You are leaving the other person with a near-empty love tank.

I would suggest you start by taking a brief love language assessment (download the free PDF here → 5 Love Languages assessment) to determine YOUR OWN love language first. This is the language you will feel most comfortable using. Second, you need to learn the love languages of OTHERS CLOSE TO YOU so you can change your love dialect.

In the great love chapter in the Bible, the apostle Paul says this, “When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things” (v. 11, New Living Translation). Our love—and the way we express it to others—should always be growing up. If you are trying to communicate your love to someone special in the same ways (the same “languages”) you’ve always used, there’s a good chance your love is being viewed as childish.

As you mature in your expressions of love — as you speak the other person’s love language — you will begin to fill their love tank. Guess what happens next? Out of a full love tank, the other person is motivated to begin to speak your love language, to fill your tank. It can become so much fun to love with a full tank! Because when the other person’s love tank is full, almost any love language will work for them—wow, what a blast!

For married couples, YouVersion has an excellent reading plan that teaches specifically how the love languages operate in the context of your marriage.

UPDATE… my friend Greg Heeres and I host a leadership podcast on YouTube. Recently, we discussed the value of leaders learning and speaking the love languages of their teammates.

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What’s Your Work?

June 26, 2009 — Craig T. Owens

When I’m at business functions, I along with all of the other attendees are typically walking around with the “Hello, My Name Is” label stuck to my chest. The idea is that as I shake hands with new people I can glance down and say, “Nice to meet you, uh, Bob!”

Nine times out of ten, after the initial introduction is made the very next question people have for me is, “So, what do you do?” All of us usually give an answer related to our jobs: I’m a pastor, I’m a graphic designer, I’m a teacher, I’m a blogger, etc. Yes, that’s what you do; that’s your job. But what do you work at?

I’ve been thinking about this over the past couple of days. And what got me thinking were two “interruptions” to my job.

On Wednesday night I was teaching a Bible study. I was just getting to the pay-off—the part of the lesson where the attendees would really be challenged to apply the lesson to their real-life situations—when my lesson was interrupted. A friend had slipped out of his seat and was standing at the back. All of a sudden he was clutching his chest and saying, “I need help!” Immediately my lesson stopped, I was at his side trying to recall some of my medical training, and then asking someone to call 911.

I didn’t finish my “job” on Wednesday evening, but I did my work as a friend.

Today I had planned to devote the better part of my day to preparing a message for Sunday morning. It’s my “job” as a pastor to come to church prepared with a timely, relevant message. But after talking with a friend on the phone, I could hear the heavy despondency in his voice, and I knew I needed to go see him face-to-face.

I put my job on hold to go do my work as a friend.

Bill Hybels wrote, “Keep the ‘church’ in church work.” My work—as a member of the Church, as a friend—should always trump my “job.”

The Apostle Paul wrote, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2).

At the end of my life, I don’t think God is going to ask me how good my sermons were. But He is going to ask me how well I did my work as His servant.

Then the King will say to those on His right, “Come, you who are blessed by My Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. For I was hungry, and you fed Me. I was thirsty, and you gave Me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited Me into your home. I was naked, and you gave Me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for Me. I was in prison, and you visited Me. … I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these My brothers and sisters, you were doing it to Me!” (Matthew 25:34-36, 40).

How’s your work going today?

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Doing Thinking Doing

June 18, 2009 — Craig T. Owens

To think or to act? That is the question. Or maybe the question should be, which comes first: the thinking or the acting? Do I think about something and then go do it? Or do I do something first and then think about what I’ve done and how I could do it better next time?

The answer, I believe, is yes.

You could be the most creative thinker in the world, your thoughts could be off on another plane, but if you do nothing with what you’re thinking, all of those great insights are wasted.

On the other hand, many people hold to the axiom that experience is the best teacher, so they just do and do and do. But experience is not the teacher; we only learn when we stop to think about what we’ve done.

William Wilberforce was already a rising star in British politics when he experienced a deeper understanding of his relationship to God. Suddenly this man of word and action wanted to do nothing more than meditate on the greatness of God. Wilberforce believed that he could best serve God by withdrawing from society and simply thinking about God.

His good friend and future prime minister William Pitt disagreed. Pitt wrote to Wilberforce, “Why then this preparation of solitude which can hardly avoid tincturing the mind either with melancholy or superstition? … Surely the principles as well as the practice of Christianity are simple and lead not to meditation but to action.” Or as the line from Amazing Grace has it, “We humbly suggest you can do both.”

I love Oswald Chambers’ counsel—

“God will never allow us to divide our lives into sacred and secular, into study and activity. We generally think of a student as one who shuts himself up and studies in a reflective way, but that is never revealed in God’s book. A Christian’s thinking ought to be done in activities, not in reflection, because we only come to right discernment in activities.”

Whether it starts with thinking or starts with action, successful thinking-doing must include both. Think about it → act on it → think about your results → do it again better than last time.

Paul wrote to the Romans how thinking and action work together when he said, “for their own conscience and thoughts either accuse them or tell them they are doing right” (Romans 2:5 NLT). The Amplified Bible renders this phrase, “their consciences (sense of right and wrong) also bear witness; and their decisions (their arguments of reason, their condemning or approving thoughts) will accuse or perhaps defend and excuse them.”

Think about it → do it → think about it → do it = the pattern for success.

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Are You Out Of Your Mind?

June 17, 2009 — Craig T. Owens

I love this thinking thought from James William Fulbright—

“We must dare to think ‘unthinkable’ thoughts. We must learn to explore all the options and possibilities that confront us in a complex and rapidly changing world. We must learn to welcome and not to fear the voices of dissent. We must dare to think about ‘unthinkable things’ because when things become unthinkable, thinking stops and action becomes mindless.”

After you have identified the negative thoughts and you have started thinking creatively, you have to be able to take it further. You have to be able to think unthinkable things.

Too many times we don’t let our minds begin to go into “unknown” places, so we look at everything through the lens of what we’ve experienced in the past. Our thoughts are “in our minds.” When Albert Einstein began to propose that there were more dimensions to our universe than scientists had previously thought, people had a hard time following his reasoning. Even those in the scientific community thought he was “out of his mind.”

One of Einstein’s favorite books was called Flatland. In this book, Square lives in the two-dimensional world that Sphere came to visit. Because Square’s world only has length and width (no height), he can only see the part of Sphere that was on his level. As Sphere moves through Flatland, Square can see different parts of him, but he can never see all of him at the same time. If Sphere moves above Flatland, Square can still hear his voice but cannot see his shape.

So, too, with us. Many times we only perceive what moves through the “line of sight” we have previously experienced. We are—so to speak—in our minds.

But look what God has in store for you—

No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him. (1 Corinthians 2:9 NLT)

So here’s how Scripture teaches us to pray—

I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength through His Spirit. Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.(Ephesians 3:16-20 NLT)

God wants to do infinitely more than you can ask or think. He wants to show you new dimensions of His greatness and His love—notice that Paul goes out of his way to list four dimensions (wide, long, high, deep) even though we live in a three-dimensional world.

Here’s the question: are you OUT of your mind or IN your mind? In other words, are you only looking for things that you know can happen, or are you believing God for things that are completely OUT OF YOUR MIND?

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Get Your Mind Out Of That Rut!

June 16, 2009 — Craig T. Owens

“Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking.” —Apostle Paul (Romans 12:2, The Message)

It’s important to think about your thinking—to analyze why certain thoughts are swirling through your mind. But after you identify unhealthy thoughts, you need some creative thinking to be able to move your life in a new direction. This requires a whole new set of thinking skills that are called critical thinking.

Stephen Brooking described it this way, “Critical thinkers are continually exploring new ways of thinking about their lives…. Critical thinking is complex and frequently perplexing, since it requires the suspension of belief and the jettisoning of assumptions previously accepted without question.”

  • What have you accepted without question?
  • What have you become so well-adjusted to that you simply accept it?
  • Are there things you do just because it’s always been done that way?
  • Are there some things that you won’t try because it’s never been done that way?

Two warning signs in your thinking are always and never. With the exception of God, everything changes. So when you start thinking in terms of always and never you are essentially saying, “Nothing changes. And I’ve got everything figured out.” This is mind-in-the-rut thinking!

You’ve probably heard this before but it is valuable enough to be repeated—If you always do what you’ve always done you’ll always get what you always got.

If you need a change in your life, start with a change in your thinking. Ask God to help you think in new ways. In talking to His people about what He had done for them in the past God said it was time to think in creative ways—

But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. (Isaiah 43:18-19 NLT)

Don’t let your thinking stay stuck in a rut. Allow God to help you jettison the old ways of thinking and expand your horizons. God will give you greater creativity if you ask Him.

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Thinking About What You’re Thinking About

June 15, 2009 — Craig T. Owens

When was the last time you thought something new for the first time? Atheist Bertrand Russell said something painful, but true, “Most men would rather die than think. Many do.”

I’ve written before about the most important and most lengthy conversation all of us have every day. It’s the conversation we have with ourselves—it’s called thinking. But for many people, their thinking is stuck in a rut.

I’ve often had conversations with people bucking against a new thought where I have asked them why they believe what they believe. Far too many times they tell me, “That’s just the way I was raised.” Okay, but what do you think about it? “I don’t know. That’s just the way I was raised.”

Two books that have really helped my thinking are As A Man Thinketh (James Allen) and Thinking For A Change (John Maxwell). Allen uses the analogy of our minds as gardens where we need to constantly pull out the weeds and plant the thoughts that will bear the fruit we desire. Maxwell challenges us to look differently at the way we think our thoughts.

The Apostle Paul tells us to take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). And then we can begin to change the way we think: Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise (Philippians 4:8).

“Rarely do we find men who willingly engage in hard solid thinking. There is an almost universal quest for easy answers and half-baked solutions. Nothing pains some people more than having to think.” —Martin Luther King, Jr.

If your thinking is ever going to go to a higher level it has to start with this: You have to be willing to think about what you’re thinking about.

In other words, why are you thinking what you’re thinking? Start capturing the thoughts running through your mind and ask them, “Why are you here?” Are you thinking what you’re thinking because you thought it, or because someone else thought it for you?

It is only by capturing the thoughts that are already in your head that you can sort out the healthy thoughts from the unhealthy thoughts.

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How Far?

May 27, 2009 — Craig T. Owens

How far are you willing to go to make sure someone learns something from you?

I’m reading a biography about Helen Keller and her teacher Annie Sullivan. As you may have heard before, Annie taught Helen how to communicate using her hands and fingers to spell out words. But after Helen heard about a deaf-blind student in Norway who was learning to speak audibly, Helen was determined to speak this way as well.

How do you teach someone who is deaf how consonants, vowels, blends, and words are supposed to sound? Eventually, Helen could “listen” to someone speak by placing her middle finger on the speaker’s nose, her index finger on their lips, and her thumb on their throat.

To get to this point of “listening” Helen had to know how sounds and words were formed with the lips and tongue. Initially, Annie would place Helen’s fingertips on her lips as she made sounds, but that only works so far. One of Helen’s cousins wrote, “Many times it was necessary for Helen to put her sensitive fingers in Teacher’s [Annie’s] mouth, sometimes far down her throat, until Teacher would be nauseated, but nothing was too hard, so Helen was benefited.”

“Nothing was too hard.” Not even being gagged by an eager pupil! What amazing dedication!

So how far are you willing to go to help someone learn something valuable? Can you find a new way to say it? Are you willing to humble yourself to make yourself heard? Will you find a new way to communicate? A way that’s outside of your comfort zone? Can you communicate without even using words?

The Apostle Paul communicated the good news about Jesus this way: “I’ve become just about every sort of servant there is in my attempts to lead those I meet into a God-saved life. I did all this because of the Message. I didn’t just want to talk about it; I wanted to be in on it!” (1 Corinthians 9-:22-23, The Message)

How far are you willing to go to make sure someone hears the good news of Jesus from you?

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