The Imbalanced Mother

We had a great time celebrating Moms yesterday. Moms are these amazing creatures that seem to be everywhere and doing everything. This ability to multitask is a blessing, but it can lead to problems if Moms try to perfectly balance their lives through more multitasking.

Perfect balance is an impossibility. Just as soon as you think you have everything balanced, life throws you a curve: a sick child … a flat tire … change of plans … I’m sure you know the drill.

Instead of trying to be the perfectly balanced multitasker, I suggest that you become a purposely imbalanced, God-leaning mother.

Imbalance your day toward God.

Take the time necessary to lean into God, and the rest of your day will be well-ordered.

Dads and kids, the greatest thing you can do to honor your wife/mother, is to make sure she has undisturbed time alone with God. I promise you that after she spends this time, the rest of her day—and therefore your day—will go much more smoothly. Help her to imbalance her life.

Here’s a great poem from Faye Inchfawn written in 1920:

See, I am cumbered, Lord,
With serving, and with small vexatious things.
Upstairs, and down, my feet
Must hasten, sure and fleet.
So weary that I cannot heed Thy word;
So tired, I cannot now mount up with wings.
I wrestle – how I wrestle! – through the hours.
Nay, not with principalities, nor powers
Dark spiritual foes of God’s and man’s
But with antagonistic pots and pans:
With footmarks in the hall,
With smears upon the wall,
With doubtful ears, and small unwashen hands,
And with a babe’s innumerable demands.
I toil with feverish haste, while tear-drops glisten,
 
(O, child of Mine, be still. And listenlisten!)
 
At last, I laid aside
Important work, no other hands could do
So well (I thought), no skill contrive so true.
And with my heart’s door open—open wide—
With leisured feet, and idle hands, I sat.
I, foolish, fussy, blind as any bat,
Sat down to listen, and to learn. And lo,
My thousand tasks were done the better so.

 

Interruptions: The Relationship Killer

Listen to the podcast of this post by clicking on the player below, and you can also subscribe on AppleSpotify, or Audible. 

Don’t you hate it when…

…someone finishes your sentences.

You’ve got a brilliant thought to share and…

…your friend shares it for you.

Like that killer joke with…

…the great punch line.

Yeah, the one about…

…the guy running to the restroom.

Sometimes it can…

…work.

But sometimes…

…it doesn’t.

No, it gets really…

…creepy?

Annoying. Like when I’m trying to tell you about…

…that great ski weekend.

The great church service where…

…the band really rocked it.

Where the pastor totally connected with me. And I realized…

…he’s a great speaker.

That I really need to make some changes in my…

…prayer life.

Listening skills.

Oh, um, yeah.

Scientists estimate that our brains can process up to 25,000 words per minute, but a normal speaking pace is only 140-160 words per minute. Since my brain is zipping along about 150 times faster than my friend is speaking, I really have to guard against jumping to conclusions.

Interruptions never build intimate relationships.

But you can reverse this tendency. Resist the urge to run ahead, to interrupt, to anticipate where your conversation partner is going. You can do it. You can reverse the tendency to interrupt.

I shared a series of messages on Relationship Builders And Killers, if you want to dig deeper into this topic.

►► Would you please prayerfully consider supporting this ministry? My Patreon supporters get behind-the-scenes access to exclusive materials, like this recent video where I explain how God reveals previously-unknown truths to us. ◀︎◀︎

Specificity

Sometimes only a big word will do. Specificity means something particularly fitted to a use or purpose. In pharmacology terms, it is a remedy intended for a particular ailment or disorder, or the selective influence of one substance on another.

In other words, the medicine is targeted for a selected pain or disease.

Yesterday at Calvary Assembly of God we heard a powerful word from our guest speaker Jeff Hlavin. But one thought from Jeff has been particularly working on me. He said, “The enemy fires his darts at your most vulnerable places.” Or said another way: the enemy is specific in his targeting.

My defense against the attack of the enemy is prayer. But my best defense is prayer with specificity.

Perhaps something like this:

  • In praying for Bethany, I’m not just praying for healing from cancer, but healing from neuroblastoma.
  • In praying for Brody who has Pierre Robin Syndrome, I’m praying with specificity for his lower jaw to continue to grow to its proper size. And in the meantime, that he will not experience any problems with choking.
  • In praying for friends whose marriage is in trouble, I’m praying specifically for healing from past mistakes, for open lines of communication, and for a willingness to seek out professional counseling.
  • In praying for a young man who is in a soul-searching time, I’m targeting my prayers at the low self-esteem issues he’s battling.

Let’s not just pray; let’s pray with specificity. The devil is targeting his attacks deliberately; let’s target our prayers just as deliberately.

One Of The Most Unusual Stories

There is one of the most unusual stories inserted in Genesis 38. I say “inserted” because it almost seems out of place. In chapter 37, Joseph’s brothers have just sold him into slavery and convinced their Dad that a wild animal killed him. In chapter 39, we pick up Joseph’s story again as he arrives in Egypt.

Genesis 38 has a story that doesn’t fit in Joseph’s story. It’s sort of a giant parenthesis. Not only that, it’s a story of mistake after error after mess up after bad judgment after more mistakes.

Judah, an older brother of Joseph, came up with the idea of selling him instead of killing him. Perhaps being around his co-conspirators was too difficult for him, so Judah left town.

  • Mistake #1: not dealing with his guilt and sin, but running away from it.

Judah married a Canaanite woman.

  • Mistake #2: inter-marrying with a non-God-fearing culture.

Judah gave his son Er in marriage to Tamar.

  • Mistake #3: allowing his son to inter-marry with the Canaanites too.

Er sinned. The Bible doesn’t say what it was, but it was so offensive that God put him to death.

  • Mistake #4: sin against God.

Onan (Judah’s second son) sinned. He had a familial responsibility to his brother and sister-in-law’s family line, but he snubbed them both.

  • Mistake #5: more sin against God.
  • Mistake #6: disregard for family.

Judah promised Shelah (his third son) to Tamar. But he procrastinated in following through on that because he thought Tamar was a black widow.

  • Mistake #7: deception.

Tamar disguised herself as a prostitute and waited along the road for Judah.

  • Mistake #8: more deception.

Judah slept with his daughter-in-law Tamar (yuck!), thinking she was a prostitute.

  • Mistake #9: fornication.
  • Mistake #10: incest.

Tamar became pregnant, and Judah wanted to have her publically punished for her infidelity.

  • Mistake #11: hypocrisy.

That’s a whole lot of sin and error and lapses in judgment and mistakes for just one family. What a mess this family had become! So, why in the world is this story inserted here? Because Tamar had twins: Perez and Zerah. In listing the royal, kingly genealogy of Jesus, Matthew writes

A record of the genealogy of Jesus Christ the son of David, the son of Abraham:
Abraham was the father of Isaac, Isaac the father of Jacob, Jacob the father of Judah and his brothers, Judah the father of Perez and Zerah, whose mother was Tamar.

Perez is listed in the genealogy of Jesus. God took all of those mistakes and made something great come from it!

It doesn’t matter how many mistakes you’ve made. It doesn’t matter how many times you think you’ve blown it. It doesn’t matter how many lapses in judgment you’ve had. God still has a plan for you. He wants to do something great through you. Will you let Him?

Just Hangin’

Hangin’ with my best friend

I love to spend time with Betsy. Even if I just have a quick jaunt to Meijer for some milk and eggs, I want her to come along with me. Or an appointment I had that was an hour away, I was grateful that her schedule was freed up so we could be together. Today we had a looong, important but unexciting meeting; just being there together made it bearable.

I love the inside jokes, the “look” that speak volumes, the “squeeze” that tells me when I’m supposed to speak up (or keep quiet), the “smile” that’s so meaningful.

I truly believe that love is best spelled T-I-M-E.

Are you spending enough of this precious commodity with those closest to you? Are you hangin’ with those you love? If not, try it, and just wait to see what happens!

The Importance Of Purity

Yesterday I read the Family Resource Council’s report about the devastating effects of pornography. Some highlights (or should I say “lowlights”?):

  • Married men who are involved in pornography feel less satisfied with their conjugal relations and less emotionally attached to their wives.
  • Pornography use is a pathway to infidelity and divorce and is frequently a major factor in these family disasters.
  • Pornography viewing leads to a loss of interest in good family relations.
  • Pornography is addictive.
  • Men who view pornography regularly have a higher tolerance for abnormal sexuality, including rape, sexual aggression, and sexual promiscuity.
  • Prolonged consumption of pornography by men produces stronger notions of women as commodities or as “sex objects.”
  • Child-sex offenders are more likely to view pornography regularly or to be involved in its distribution.

This is the reason my wife and I stress purity so highly with our children. Betsy is going through Every Young Woman’s Battle with our daughter, and I’m using Every Young Man’s Battle with our sons.

There are only two battles that Scripture consistently warns us to flee from: idolatry and sexual promiscuity. We cannot stress purity enough, and it’s never too early (or too late) to talk to your kids about this.

Hey, parents, don’t let their peers have the loudest voice in your kids’ ears about sexual standards. You help them set godly standards. And do it now.

Love & Respect (book review)

Love & Respect

My Grandma used to say this poem, “Good, better, best, never let it rest until your good is better and your better is best.” I thought of this again while reading Emerson Eggerichs’ book Love & Respect. If your marriage is bad, this book can help it get good; if your marriage is already good, this book can help it getter even better; if your marriage is already better, you can use this book to “best it.”

Many of the principles in this book generated an initial push-back from me. I found myself thinking, “I’m not so sure that would work.” But as I read on, I found almost all of those initial hesitancies dissolving.

The book is divided into three overarching sections that cover the three cycles in which your marriage could be: the Crazy Cycle (a bad marriage), the Energizing Cycle (a good marriage), and the Rewarded Cycle (the best marriage). Throughout all of the sections, there is sound, biblically-based counsel for husbands and wives. The title of the book—and most of the underlying principles—come from Ephesians 5:33 where the Apostle Paul tells women to respect their husbands, while husbands are to love their wives.

Be forewarned: the first part of this book felt a little like a commercial for Dr. Eggerichs’ Love & Respect seminar. And oftentimes I felt he was “plugging” his seminar throughout the book. But if you don’t mind the occasional sales-pitch feel, you will uncover some great truths to help your marriage go from bad to better to best.

I am a book review blogger for Thomas Nelson Publishers.

6,940 Days And Still Counting

When I was a kid we would often sing a hymn at church that had this chorus:

Count your blessings, name them one by one
Count your blessings, see what God hath done
Count your blessings, name them one by one
Count your many blessings, see what God hath done

Today is the 6,940th day I am counting the many blessings of being married to my best friend. Every day I am blessed that Betsy said yes!

King Solomon wrote, “The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the LORD.” My life has certainly been full of treasured moments and crowned with God’s favor these past 6,940 days because I found a good wife.

Baby, here’s to the next 6,940 days—it’s going to be even better!

Stocking Your Arsenal

As a general rule, it’s best to have all of your ammunition ready to go before the bullets actually start flying! It’s not really effective to say, “We’re taking fire! Now someone go and get me some ammo!”

Yesterday I wrote about the before-the-battle-starts strategies for your marriage. One of those strategies was arming yourself with some reading materials and strong, healthy friendships prior to the assault. I’d like to share with you some books Betsy and I have enjoyed reading together.

Love Talk by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott. We’ve read a few books about the differences in communication styles between men and women, but this was the easiest to put into practice. The Parrotts contend that many of the hindrances to more effective communication stem from the fears we have: like the fear of the loss of connection with someone special or the fear of not being in control of our own lives, just to name two of them. Once I understood what fears I had, I could see why I closed off some areas of my heart and mind to Betsy. And when I knew what fears she had, I could be more sensitive in discussing those areas with her.

In addition to the book, we also purchased the workbooks which are specifically designed “for him” and “for her.” This helped us get some thoughts and goals down in writing. Betsy and I would each read the same chapter, work on the corresponding pages in our workbooks, and then find some couch time after the kids were in bed to talk. The combination of reading material and workbook gave us a great foundation to have some meaningful dialogue.

Wild At Heart by John Eldredge. This is touted as a book for men, so I read it first. But after I read it and begin to talk about the ways this book had so connected with me, Betsy said, “I think I need to read this too.” The subtitle to the book is “Discovering the secret of a man’s soul,” which makes it a valuable read for women as well.

Too many men today feel, well, unmanly. John does an excellent job in identifying the core needs every man has: to fight for a noble cause, to live an adventure, and to rescue his damsel in distress. It’s the stuff of all the epic stories and it burns within the heart of every man, but our society has asked men to become tame. When both Betsy and I read about the longings in a men’s soul, it resonated with us. I instinctively knew this was right, and Betsy had a whole new appreciation of my role as her knight in shining armor!

Intimacy Ignited by Dr. Joseph & Linda Dillow and Dr. Peter & Lorraine Pintus. Sex plays a vital role in marriage, but sex isn’t intimacy. Using the biblical book The Song of Songs as their main text, these authors explore the incredible intimacy that King Solomon had with his wife. They show how the taboos of intimacy within a marriage have been reinforced through the years, and what God really has to say about the white-hot passion that should exist between a husband and wife. A sizzling read!

Those are just a few of the books we have found helpful in strengthening our marriage. If you would care to share in the comments a book or two you have found helpful, we are always looking for more ammunition for our arsenal. Be ready for the assault on your marriage before it comes … fight for your marriage … it’s so worth it!

We’re Under Attack!

As Betsy and I pray together for our family and friends, we’ve noticed a disturbing trend in our prayer time. Our prayer list is filling up with dear friends whose marriages are under attack…

  • Overwhelming financial pressures
  • Legal concerns
  • Drug problems
  • Questions about the future
  • Feelings of a loss of connection

These problems pile up and cause tremendous strain on marriages. It’s not surprising that marriages are under attack. Since the intimacy between husband and wife is the relationship God repeatedly uses to show the relationship He wants to have with humanity, it’s understandable why the enemy would attack marriages. If marriage is seen as unfulfilling, an intimate relationship with God seems undesirable.

The definition of strategy boils down to the big picture plan that’s put into place before the battle begins. Make no mistake about it, even if your marriage seems carefree now, it will be under attack in the future. Here are a few thoughts on forming a pre-battle strategy.

1.  Spend lots of time together. In the military platoons eat together, hike together, sleep together, practice together. They are getting to know both their craft and their team. Your spouse should be your best friend, not just your roommate. And you get to best-friend status by spending lots of time together.

  • Eat at least one meal together everyday … at the table, without the TV on.
  • Go for a walk … hold hands.
  • If you enjoy exercise, sweat together … then shower together.
  • Plan regular date nights … no kids, just the two of you.
  • Occasionally getaway for a romantic weekend.

2.  Continue to flirt with each other. You did a lot of special things for each other while you dating. So keep on letting your spouse know how special he/she is to you.

  • Send an e-card to his/her work email address.
  • Buy him his favorite candy bar and tape it to a note telling him how sweet he is.
  • Send her a flirty text message while she’s out with friends.
  • Come home with flowers.
  • Whisper sweet-nothings in each other’s ear.

3.  Pray together. There is no more intimate thing you can do than keep God a part of your marriage. After all, He is the One who said, “Let husband and wife be one flesh.” He is for your marriage—He wants it to be successful and fulfilling.

  • Pick a regular time to pray together every day.
  • Pray when you feel pressures beginning to press on you.

4.  Develop a support team. Don’t wait until the assault on your marriage is bearing down on you before you seek help. Put things in place now.

  • Read a book together about healthy marriages. (Tomorrow I will post a list of good marriage-building books.)
  • Hang out with other couples who have healthy marriages.
  • Go to church together.

Next to my relationship with Jesus (and because of my relationship with Jesus), my relationship with Betsy is the most fulfilling relationship I have. She is my best friend. The attacks have come against us too, but having a strategy in place ahead of time has been invaluable.

It’s never too late—or too early—to form a strategy for a successful, fulfilling marriage. When you repel the assault on your marriage, you will find an even greater appreciation for and intimacy with your spouse. A good marriage is so worth the effort!